right ones

in the last couple weeks, i've been reconnecting with people from my past and realizing how influential my relationships with certain people have been. 

it's amazing to reflect on the way i've positively grown and changed because of just one person.

and there's a lot of you out there.

one of my track coaches from high school volunteered to write me a recommendation letter for a job i'm applying for. when i read it, i was blown away by how he had so many positive things to say about me. 

this has made me more aware of how intentional i hope to be in my relationships with people. it's amazing how the little things really do matter.

i am so thankful for the friends i have. it almost seems absurd to know so many kind, genuine, intelligent, and wonderfully lovely people. 

listing all of you would take so long, but know that i have a million positive and awesome things to say about each and every one of you.

so thank you, to all of those who have chosen to be my friend and invest and love me through the years. i'm a better person because i've known you.

i'm so glad to know so many right ones.

grass is blue

you got so much love in you

you look the songs i've heard my whole life coming true

___________________________

i've been debating if this is gonna be one of those long rambling posts

kinda wanna just be short and sweet though

____________________________________

i've been in the process now trying to understand all the roles i have and what it means to stay true to myself while in the process of change and transition.

sometimes i laugh at my naivety:

thinking that "once i do ______, life will be easy/good/fulfilling."

for you newbies out there, it's never like this.

the grass is not greener, it's more blue or yellow.

every transition is different in it's own way, not always completely better.

 i guess i've been reality checking these days.

trying to find the sweet spot in life.

and i don't really know what it looks like yet

or have any idea how to start getting there.

 there's always improvements that i want to make

but the list goes on and on and on.

and this isn't to say that i'm not happy

because i am and could have an entire post dedicated to everything i'm thankful for. :)

but i am always looking to improve.

__________________________________________

it's never easy as it sounds,

but that's why we have a lifetime, ya?

ohthankgoodness.

<3

motivational speech

fear.

that im not good enough.

that i don't have enough experience.

that people won't like me.

that i'm not original enough.

ok, ok, ok, already.

so i need to stop looking here.

and start dreaming again.

and start imagining the possiblitites.

and start creating.

and drawing.

and sewing.

and reading things that make me think.

and taking time for myself.

i am growing.

i must keep up with myself.

and not miss out on the opportunities to explore.

and document my adventures and creations.

AND I WILL!

yes, of course, frank

lets fly, fly away...

"once i get you up there,
where the air is rarefied 

we'll just glide tarry eyed

once i get you up there

i'll be holding you so near

you may hear the angels cheer - just because we're together"

 

eric and i are continuing our annual tradition of flying on september 11 today.

last year, we flew home from new york at the end of our honeymoon.

today, eric flies to san fransisco for a work conference while i fly down to long beach to visit carly.

so very very happy.

but a little melancholy since its the 10 year anniversary of september 11.

all this week i've been listening npr and they have been airing remembrances and stories from that day. it's been something that sometimes i don't want to hear because usually it causes teary eyes, but i know that it's good for me to hear the memories from other people who were more affected that i. 

this morning already, we had a 30 seconds of silence in the airport to remember all those who served or died in the attacks. i'm so thankful for my country, for freedom, and i am thinking about all those whose lives were and still are affected from that day. 

 

and to those who have and are still serving and protecting, thank you. 

i still and will always remember.

 

the detangled beloved

lately, i've become a third person

above and outside, i try to peer in

but whenever i look, i see overgrown tangles

squelching a garden of beautiful passion

you see, i've been growing and changing and moving

forward, i think, but sometimes i can't tell

so i've been doing 

some thinking, 

some planning, 

some weeding

and i'm starting to see the light again

the glorious wonderful light

and my heart swells as autumn approaches

i feel the inspiration in my bones

my passion is rising

my calling seems clearer

and my love seems greater than ever before

no longer alone

no longer entangled

i look out toward my abba

and become the beloved

put me in, coach?

live intentionally.

this phrase has always seemed to be at the crux of my beliefs. a while ago, if you were to ask me how i rated myself on a scale of 1 to intentional, i probably would have said a 7 or 8. i really believed that i was being purposeful and genuine in most of the activities that i did.

lately, i've been re-evaluating myself on this scale and have been not-so-please with the results. maybe i'm at a 2? yeah, it's that bad. i could blame this on a variety of different situations and other factors, but for now, i'll just own it. i haven't been as disciplined or as motivated to do the things i know are right and good and lovely. not to say i'm doing bad things, but i'm just not doing purposeful things most of the time. is that ever a confession or what?

a lot of this has to do with change. moving to a new city, having a new and different job, being newly married, finishing school, and the like. there are a lot of adjustments i didn't anticipate, which i think has caused me to kind of pull back and inwards to just figure out where i am and what im doing and where and how im suppose to fit into this new time in my life.

for those who know me well, it's obvious why this is difficult for me. i like to know i have a plan and know for the most part what kind of outcomes i can expect. all four of the above situations have combined in such a way that i really have had very little control over what kind of things to expect. the other thing that has been hard is relationships. i thrive off of community and friendships and in moving to another city (which is only 20miles away) i didn't expect that the relationships i had there would be so difficult to maintain. also, new relationships have been harder for me to navigate than i expected, which surprises my outgoing myself.

although these last few months have been good, they've also been difficult. before august, i felt like i was at the pinnacle of my life as an individual. i had accomplished a lot and was really quite proud of those accomplishments. after i got married, my A game felt like it went to a C, but in a good way.

god has really been humbling me these last few months. but it has been really annoying sometimes when i feel like i just can't get anything right and i can't seem to be the person i know god wants me to be. i know that through this rough patch, god is shaping me more into his likeness, but it's been feeling like he's had to pull apart a lot to put me back together better...

thankfully, god has supplied me with some stellar people to gain wisdom and experience from. in this time of change, i've been really challenged by my friends k&l. i honestly have not met more intentional people in my entire life (besides maybe my parents, so that's saying something). their love for jesus just seems pure and uninhibited. every time i am around them im inspired to pay better attention to other people's needs and live more simply and genuinely. the lifestyle they live pretty much rocks my world and i hope to someday be the kind of people they are.

i'm also thankful for my bff c. she's been with me through the beautiful, the ugly, and the tears, and still loves me and encourages me everyday to love jesus more and make him my foundation. i just wish jesus would make our paths cross more often (she lives too far away). :)

this year, i've also got this pretty freaking fantastic guy who i get to live life with everyday and we love each other a billion balloons. eric never gives up on me. even when i am super annoying and tickle and poke him to get him to wake up in the morning or when i'm sweaty after a run and he still gives me a hug, or when im having a pity party and he has major grace with me. yup, he's pretty great.

as much as i know how much god has blessed me these past months, i'm also ready to get back in the game. jesus, i'm tired of sitting on the sidelines and im ready to play again.

put me in, coach?

<3

bloom in the early hours

restless, i wander
ceaseless, my worries

i slip my fingers into the grain
feeling texture graze my skin
hoping the repetition brings me peace

oh hollow friend, you would wallflower my work
but i grasp the tiny kernels, breathing the pungent air

i work, but not endlessly
for the joys of labor are found in the toil

i climb the grassy hills in the early morn
and rest as rays of sun peak over the horizon

love, save the empty
fill the restless wanderers
strengthen the weak
bloom in the early hours of dawn