Thursday, June 16, 2011

put me in, coach?

live intentionally.

this phrase has always seemed to be at the crux of my beliefs. a while ago, if you were to ask me how i rated myself on a scale of 1 to intentional, i probably would have said a 7 or 8. i really believed that i was being purposeful and genuine in most of the activities that i did.

lately, i've been re-evaluating myself on this scale and have been not-so-please with the results. maybe i'm at a 2? yeah, it's that bad. i could blame this on a variety of different situations and other factors, but for now, i'll just own it. i haven't been as disciplined or as motivated to do the things i know are right and good and lovely. not to say i'm doing bad things, but i'm just not doing purposeful things most of the time. is that ever a confession or what?

a lot of this has to do with change. moving to a new city, having a new and different job, being newly married, finishing school, and the like. there are a lot of adjustments i didn't anticipate, which i think has caused me to kind of pull back and inwards to just figure out where i am and what im doing and where and how im suppose to fit into this new time in my life.

for those who know me well, it's obvious why this is difficult for me. i like to know i have a plan and know for the most part what kind of outcomes i can expect. all four of the above situations have combined in such a way that i really have had very little control over what kind of things to expect. the other thing that has been hard is relationships. i thrive off of community and friendships and in moving to another city (which is only 20miles away) i didn't expect that the relationships i had there would be so difficult to maintain. also, new relationships have been harder for me to navigate than i expected, which surprises my outgoing myself.

although these last few months have been good, they've also been difficult. before august, i felt like i was at the pinnacle of my life as an individual. i had accomplished a lot and was really quite proud of those accomplishments. after i got married, my A game felt like it went to a C, but in a good way.

god has really been humbling me these last few months. but it has been really annoying sometimes when i feel like i just can't get anything right and i can't seem to be the person i know god wants me to be. i know that through this rough patch, god is shaping me more into his likeness, but it's been feeling like he's had to pull apart a lot to put me back together better...

thankfully, god has supplied me with some stellar people to gain wisdom and experience from. in this time of change, i've been really challenged by my friends k&l. i honestly have not met more intentional people in my entire life (besides maybe my parents, so that's saying something). their love for jesus just seems pure and uninhibited. every time i am around them im inspired to pay better attention to other people's needs and live more simply and genuinely. the lifestyle they live pretty much rocks my world and i hope to someday be the kind of people they are.

i'm also thankful for my bff c. she's been with me through the beautiful, the ugly, and the tears, and still loves me and encourages me everyday to love jesus more and make him my foundation. i just wish jesus would make our paths cross more often (she lives too far away). :)

this year, i've also got this pretty freaking fantastic guy who i get to live life with everyday and we love each other a billion balloons. eric never gives up on me. even when i am super annoying and tickle and poke him to get him to wake up in the morning or when i'm sweaty after a run and he still gives me a hug, or when im having a pity party and he has major grace with me. yup, he's pretty great.

as much as i know how much god has blessed me these past months, i'm also ready to get back in the game. jesus, i'm tired of sitting on the sidelines and im ready to play again.

put me in, coach?


Monday, June 6, 2011

bloom in the early hours

restless, i wander
ceaseless, my worries

i slip my fingers into the grain
feeling texture graze my skin
hoping the repetition brings me peace

oh hollow friend, you would wallflower my work
but i grasp the tiny kernels, breathing the pungent air

i work, but not endlessly
for the joys of labor are found in the toil

i climb the grassy hills in the early morn
and rest as rays of sun peak over the horizon

love, save the empty
fill the restless wanderers
strengthen the weak
bloom in the early hours of dawn