look at this!

fresh air

bloody meaningless, my networked identity.
lost in the atmosphere that moves, but never feels.
constantly changing, but it is real change?
people write vigorously, typing frozen words.
i have fallen into the stagnant life of these words.
even now, i attempt to write them, but they become statues of staleness.
my eyes become dim from the back light of the screen.
my mouth dry, because i speak no words.
i become silent and grey as the world around me turns white.
white with meaningless intellectualness and philosophized drama.

but i want to be known!

so i give up my mysteriousness for attention that i will rarely receive.
i'll post pictures, comments, write blogs, hoping that someone will praise me.
but when my identity becomes affirmed, i only become more lost in the system.
more lost in the social networks.

the soft glow of the screen holds me captive.
the light tapping of keys has become addictive.
my pointer has to click away.

i forget sometimes about the outdoors.
i dismiss the beauty of nature.
i forget how to talk to people.

my mouth has been sewed up and my soul has been taken hostage by the dark depths of web.
it feverishly wraps me tighter into its grasp, suffocating me of all true existence.
i am a slave to a deathly narrative.

i don't want to become a silhouette.
i want to breathe and dance and sing.
i must create a new reality in the real reality.
i can't forget about the preciousness of face to face relationships.
i need fresh air.

places

i've been thinking a lot about vacations lately. i know, you and me both are thinking, "but you just had a vacation of a lifetime only 3 months ago." i can still dream though, yes? that's what i thought. so here's a list of some places i want to travel to eventually.


1. portland, maine.

i have this awesome idea that i'd make a scrapbook of this vacation and it'd be all cute by saying portland to portland on one of the first pages. eric and i looked into going here for our honeymoon, and since we didn't, i still want to go and stay in a little cottage near the water. Then we'd read, write, go antiquing, and eat seafood every night. yum!


2. anchorage, alaska

this might actually happen in a few years. eric wants to see the northern lights so.stinking.bad. apparently they are suppose to be stellar in 2012, so we're thinking about doing a cruise in the spring. and then maybe visiting stephanie and jason cause they live there and it'd be awesome to see them!


3. orange county, california

i will never get tired of going to california on vacation. it's always so much fun-probably because it means that i get to hang out with my lovely friend carly. and i wouldn't mind vacationing in san diego for a bit either. i love it there too. oh, and i want to go again because eric and i want to go to disneyland together! we've also talked about doing this roadtrip style with some friends.


4. charlotte, north carolina

i've been here before, but it's been a long time. my aunt and cousins live here and i so badly want to see their beautiful faces! and explore some of the east coast and experience that 'southern hospitality.' haha :)


5. new orleans, lousiana

my uncle went here last year to go fishing with one of his buddies and he said it was one of the best experiences he's had in a long time. i really want to go down to the deep south, eat lots of amazing food, and enjoy the cajun culture.


6. rockaway, oregon

this is happening this month with some of our closest friends! woo hoo! but i also would like to go back with just eric and i and enjoy a quiet romantic weekend of reading, writing, games, and being alone together.

monster vs the king

DAI:


i've created a perfect monster.

this monster prevails because it is the unattainable me. i confess to giving it its power. it is perfection in all of its gloriously terrifying shapes, haunting me daily. it tells me, with whiter teeth and nicer clothes, that i have much to be desired: my attitude isn't happy enough, my desires aren't pure enough, my love-not faithful or true enough.

the words of this monster cut me to the core, shatters my identity, and leaves me picking up the pieces.

i self examine...
and re-examine...
and find it all to be true.

my motives are flawed.
my attitude, a sorry sight.
my love, conflicted.

i begin the beatings:
you are a failure.
you don't deserve it.
you can't.
you won't ever measure up.

i demand more from myself:
give more
love more
worship more
read more
write more
create more

where does this get me?
here
alone
exhausted
disappointed
shameful
not living like a daughter of the king.

abba, in you there is freedom from this monster, from these lies. this life isn't about being perfect, its about the beauty you create out of our imperfections. let me live into your kingdom today. make me beautiful.

make me a daughter of the king.

ask. seek. knock.

DAI:


i am a daughter of the king.

but i sit knees tucked up to my chest with my face in my palms. like a shameful child, i hide away, recognizing my insufficiency and pain. i have no where left to turn...

but to you.

slowly, i unclench my hands and turn them face up. with head bowed, one word slips out in desperation:

"abba"

you know me. immediately. intimately. even though i am numb, i feel your presence. you answer me:

"ask. seek. knock."

slowly i unveil my shame, my hurts, my desires.

i am known.
i am loved.

i am a daughter of the king.

matt. 19:14
jesus said, "let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

beautiful feet

DAI:

SOTD: wilder mann by woima collective

romans 10:15b:
as it is written, "how beautiful are the feet of those who bring the good news."

what does having beautiful feet look like? "bring" makes me believe that it's feet who are well-traveled, or at least a little dirty. there's action involved, not just sitting around. i think these feet aren't beautiful in the worlds eye, they aren't miss america's feet, that's for sure. these feet have stories behind them, stories of suffering, but also the stories of the faithfulness and goodness of the one who keeps the feet protected during the varying terrain.

and these feet bring good news. what good news am i bringing to people? am i always bringing good news? or am i bringing stories that destroy and cut down?

oh jesus, may you make my feet beautiful today.

(also, i would someday love to henna my hands and feet. sooooo lovely.)

living into the story

story:
the word that makes everyone an individual.
the most important part of humanity.
the bane of our existence.

i love stories, as i assume most everyone does. movies, books, music, jokes, conversations, all center around a story. some are real stories, some a imaginary stories, some are a mix of both. and as any writer knows, good stories center around some sort of change. for a story to be successful, it has to have some sort of connection to the reader/listener/viewer.

understanding the importance of story can make people more compassionate. this is true for me especially when it comes to music. i think that music is the most personal ways that people tell their story because not only do musicians write lyrics about how they feel or experience things, but then they put music behind it which creates mood and feeling through sounds. this gives the listener more ways to connect to the song.

switching gears a tad...

as a human, i know how easy it is to be totally absorbed in my own story. having my own story makes me feel like i can be in control of at least one thing in this world. sometimes, it's easy to forget about other people and that they have stories too. this is especially true when it comes to driving: someone cuts you off and they immediately become "that idiot" when really they are probably just trying to make it in their own story. coming to this realization that other people's stories are just as important as mine happened when i started thinking more creatively about people that i encounter.

i thought about the story behind:

the man carrying a cross over the i205 bridge.
the barista who served me coffee.
the man walking down 78th street with a parrot on his shoulder.
the teenager walking to school wearing a green army helmet.

these people have stories and experiences that i will probably never know, but the fact that they are carrying crosses, serving me coffee, having parrots hanging out on their shoulders, and wearing green army helmets, makes me realize that they got to that place by a lot of experiences and choices, just as i am where i am because of experiences and choices that i've had in my life. this knowledge makes me compassionate.

it also makes me realize how little i am in the big picture. culture is made by stories of a collective group. even though i am just a little story, i am living into many bigger stories.

these are the stories of:
my faith
my marriage
my family
my friends
my church
my job
my community
my city
my state
my country
my world

by recognizing how interconnected i am with so many stories, i realize how important my life is. i have a great responsibility to live into other people's lives and live out my faith in all of those spheres.

(these thoughts were based on the discussion at my home community last night: deut. 6:2-9 (the shema), ps. 78:1-8, and this sermon becoming bilingual with the gospel and the word.)

beautiful things

all my favorite etsy things this fall. yay for lovely things!


love rings


garland of hearts


divine cuff


lovely fleurs


rosebud hair pins


wrap visor


leaf headband


harem pants

mustard cuff

the ferocious plunge

DAI:

SOFD: you got what i need by joshua radin

i have this distinct memory burned into my mind that happened more than just a few times. That is, my dad, after restlessly perusing the kitchen, pulling open the drawer, picking up a spoon, and shuffling sneakily over to the cupboard where he'd slyly pull out the peanut butter, undo the cap and take a ferocious plunge into the jar with his spoon. then he'd take bite after bite, until mom would finally notice and reprimand him, "dad, are you eating the peanut butter out of the jar again? that's gross!"

but it didn't take me long before i understood why this happened so frequently. after dad offered me some, this addiction would never be broken.

today, i did it again. munchies hit, i perused the cupboard and spotted the jar of deliciousness. and so i went, plunging away at this deliciously salty sweet nutty paste of goodness: beloved peanut butter.

budapest

DAI:


good morning all!

today, woke up early due to massive construction going on near our flat. slow morning thus far though. just lazying around, taking stellar pictures, eating breakfast, and listening to alexi murdoch. love.

big day planned for today. lots of walking, sigh seeing, and checking out HUGE castle. you can read about it here.

budapest reminds eric and i a lot of portland. there's two sides (buda & pest) split down the middle by the danube river. buda is more the rich hilly side and pest is the middle class/party side. there are 10 bridges crossing the danube (10 also crossing the willamette). anyway, it's awesome.

oh, and happy birthday to my new mother janet today! love you and am very happy to be your new daughter!

<3

living in shalom

DAI:

shalom.

a word i had always wondered about, but never quite understood.

ryan, a fellow student i met at northwest when i was there, always greeted me with the word shalom, but he was a bible student and i figured that it was just some hipster bible student phrase.

in the last few weeks, i've come to a greater understanding of the word shalom. originally, i just thought it meant peace, but when researching it, i came upon this definition:

"hebrew shalom ..... a word study in the new king james version for SHALOM says: completeness, wholeness, health, peace, welfare, safety soundness, tranquility, prosperity, perfectness, fullness, rest, harmony, the absence of agitation or discord."

christ brought shalom to the earth, he restored the brokenness, conquered fear, and brought completeness and perfection to the earth through his death and resurrection.

last week, as the women in my home community were praying, we discovered that most of our stress was related to relationships and expectations. philippians 4:6-7 came to mind:

"do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to god. and the peace of god, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in christ jesus."

this 'peace of god' is shalom. christ is also named the prince of peace in isaiah, and later on in philippians 4, it says, "and the god of peace will be with you." these names both carry the meaning of shalom.

as i am coming up on the wedding (basically 4 weeks away: yay & eek!), i've been increasing stressed out and exhausted from working and trying to get everything done.
(just have to say thank you to my wonderful parents who have been keeping me on track.) but through the business, i've learned that by leaning into christ's shalom, that everything will work out and that i don't need to worry myself over all the details.

wooooo!

shalom!

everything is going on

everything is going on.
my mind is on overdrive.
i can't keep things straight.
i'm happy.
i'm sad.
i just want to sleep.
things need to get done.
decisions have to be made.
everything must look beautiful.
details have to be attended to.
money must be spent.
change must take place.
i must pack up and move.
i will not live with my family again.
my family is amazing.
emotions are torn.
sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.
the itinerary must be finalized.
tickets must be purchased.
bags must be packed.
flowers must be picked.
flags must be made.
dresses must be finished.
exhaustion sets in.
the twins need attention.
my eyes won't stay open.
all i want is silence.
all i want is time.
but everything is going on.

rainy day sonnet

DAI:


heavy clouds release their tears upon me
steadily, i lift my ceramic mug
and pour down the dark aromatic tea
strings and keys become my sedative drug
"come," she whispers, through soft wind and rain
faintly, i follow her alluring voice
footprints pulse to a melodic refrain
rhythms compel me and i have no choice
drenched in cold, i shiver under her spell
mirages challenge my reality
under the canopy of firs i dwell
until i'm called back to normality

my soul awakens with the warm sunshine
oh, isn't there more to this, goddess divine?

thoughts of a lion

DAI:
SOFD: lion's share by amy annelle
WIKI: have hair like a lion

thursday thoughts:

thomas and i enjoyed breakfast together this morning which included chocolate donuts and chocolate milk. yuuuum.

yesterday at work, i answered the phone and had someone accuse me of being high and drunk. talk about a first. anyway, my aunts are awesome and stood up for me. oh people...

my cousin's wedding is in 2 weeks. crazzzzy. and then i will be back on track for planning my own wedding.

eric is almost done with the quarter! yay! right now he is probably frantically working on a huge project that's due tomorrow! (good luck love!)

i've not been super motivated to work on wedding things lately (mostly because it's been so overwhelming), but i'm going to blog about wedding inspiration soon!

oh, and in general, i've just been really happy and thankful about my life. my family, my friends, my fiance, my job, and even school (i know!), i just love it all and am so thankful for the memories and education and everything that i've gone through. :) yay!

the end of this season of my life (single/dating/education/living at home) is almost over and i will be married in 78 days! and then begins the new life of being married, finding a full time job, and having actual grown up responsibilities. it's all a bit scary sometimes, but also really super exciting!

bubblicious fish

DAI:


off to science class with my brother thomas. going to dissect steelheads.
(playing mom while the parents are outta town is so much fun!)

fall asleep smiling

DAI:


i want to fill the world with beautiful things.
i want to remind people they are loved.
i want to make things and give them away.
i want to get up and be excited about the day.
i want to embrace my circumstances.
i want to be productive.
i want to leave behind a good life.
i want to take pictures of people i love.
i want to be healthy.
i want to go the extra mile.
i want to listen to good music.
i want to write love letters (and regular letters too).
i want to see the details.
i want to tell stories.
i want to have people over unexpectedly.
i want to take off for the weekend.
i want to make people smile.
i want to be sweet and memorable.
i want to dance around.
i want to have a garden.
i want to have parties in my garden.
i want to relax.
i want to soak in the sun.
i want to read good books.
i want to give my time.
i want to listen to those need an ear.
i want to work somewhere i like.
i want to surprise people.
i want to never fight.
i want to remember only the good.
i want to explore the territory.
i want to follow jesus.
i want to hug all my friends.
i want to kiss my fiance (my soon-to-be husband! yay!).
i want to jump into bed.
i want to snuggle under the covers.
and fall asleep smiling.

goodnight!

congraduations carly rae!

my best friend graduated college and i went down to spend the weekend celebrating with her and her family and friends. this is my documentation:


carly rae: the graduate

ellen and carlita

sarah and carly

carly and momma

carly and billy. too cute!

yes, we went to disneyland...

and saw mickey!

most amazing picture of life!

carly and her man

she's precious!

congrats my friend!

come fly with me

DAI:


let me count the ways i love airports (especially today):

1. being in an airport either means your going somewhere or coming back from somewhere (yay!

2. airports have the most interesting people aka the best people watching place ever!

3. today, while i was going through security, the security guard complimented my ID card! happiness!

4. at pdx airport they have FREE wifi! brilliant! more airports should catch on!

5. i am currently being serenaded by a cello. live music in airports rock!

6. they have a powell's bookstore in pdx.

7. apparently pdx has the best tasting water in their drinking fountains (compared to other airports in america.

8. the little kids in airports are so cute! they are infatuated with the size of the airplanes and even ask their parents, "mom, dad, how much longer?"

9. and the best thing about today? I GET TO SEE CARLY!!!! wooooooo!

confession

DAI:


i am seriously afraid of this happening someday. i look down and see black hairy legs crawling out of my shower drain. thankfully, i've read that this actually happening is extremely rare. thank goodness.

when i was in the shower today, i turned around and saw a spider on my shower wall. it's that helpless feeling: you are confined in a small space with a spider and worst of all, you're naked. ultimate vulnerability. it doesn't get any worse than that.

so that's it. that's my confession.

my new family

DAI:


so this is my new family: north tabor home community!

oh photobooth...

DAI:


ahhhh yes. at 2:40 i will be officially done with spring semester 2010. And what do i have to show for it? well, other than some learning, this picture. :)

yayyyyyyy. done! freedom to work on wedding ish!

and other random art projects!

and visit carly for her college graduation! (and MAYBE go to d-land!!!!)

grapefruits of music

DAI:

SOFD: dance anthem of the 80s by regina spektor
WIKI: flash mobs
ETSY: linen pleated dress this is one of my favorite items on etsy. too bad i don't have $130 sitting around... :)

i'm a huge music nerd and so i couldn't pass this fill in the blank from the little things we do.

1. One song that always takes me back to my youth is
swing swing by all american rejects. and pretty much anything by audio adrenaline.

2. My first concert ever was
smalltown poets. i went with my best friend stephanie and her mom. it was pretty cool cause we were 13 maybe.

3. If I could create my dream music festival I'd want these bands to be there:
well it'd be a combo of two genres:
electronica/rock/dance:
chromeo, the bravery, esser, late of the pier, friendly fires, architecture in helsinki, muse, the presets, santogold, passion pit, jamiroquai, boy crisis, mgmt, matt & kim, the faint, data, natalie portman's shaved head, and whole-z. omg and mc hammer/vanilla ice!!
indie/alternative/pop/rock:
joshua radin, john mayer, coldplay, dave matthews, noah and the whale, all of my brushfire friends (jack johnson, matt costa, alo, g. love, zach gill, meiko), the envy corps, vampire weekend, eric hutchinson, the fray, switchfoot, amos lee, blues traveler, the gabe dixon band, ok go, michael buble, joss stone, jason mraz, a fine frenzy, the weepies, the kooks, train, kate nash, and sheryl crow.

4. The best make-out/"boot knocking" song ever is
it's good to be in love by frou frou (imogen heap).

5. The best concert I've ever been to was
the fray and augustana at the roseland back in 2006. it was at a smaller venue before they got really big and i went with my cousin and my best friend. and i'm a sucker for upright pianos on stage. it was magical (and the band was hilarious!).

6. A memorable musical moment for me was
haha. ok, you all will not believe this, but back in 2006 (during my emo stage), me and two of my girlfriends went to see the lashes and after the concert, we all kissed members of the band. oh man, i remember totally freaking out after we finally left cause that is totally something i would never do!

7. The song on my iPod that's getting the most play these days is
probably a tie between these 3 songs:
night by night by chromeo
eden by phil wickham
dance anthem of the 80s by regina spektor

alright. now onto homework!

eden

DAI:


i remember how you'd call my name
And i would meet you at the garden gate
how the glory of your love would shine
and i remember when the stars were young
you breathed life into my lungs
oh i never felt so alive
i wanna see you face to face
where being in your arms is the permanent state
i want it like it was back then
i wanna be in eden
where my eyes can see the colors of glory
my hands can reach the heaven before me

eden by phil wickham

swallowed by the sea

DAI:


she once had a boat with sails as white as a lamb. she set sail for new land. following her compass, she estimated that my trip would take a few seasons. through wind and rain she persevered. when sun drenched the mahogany deck, she basked in it's glorious rays. the swells and ebbs became her identity. her sails followed the wind. the excitement of discovering a new land grew with each mile gained.

now, her chase is over.

she sold her white sails and her beautiful boat. she sold her adventure.

now, she drifts without purpose.

one day she will be swallowed by the sea.

disoriented

DAI:


today has been so weird.

sun
rain
hail
snow
sun
hail
rain.

i am so confused!

hiding behind curtains

DAI:


do i, god, look this stupid when i run? or is it a bit cute, like a kid hiding himself by burying not much more than his face in the drapes? we, obviously, don't think we actually hide from our omniscient god. we hide from ourselves. we hide him from ourselves.

the umbrella-less traveler can't stop the coming storm by simply shutting her eyes. The sun doesn't disappear behind closed curtains, or even the horizon: all and every day and night it explodes itself into the universe.

likewise, god is eyelidless. light and dark are just ideas he exists above and outside of. he separated one from the other like we half an apple. to get how he gets you, imagine yourself floating face up in the center of a warm sea, and the water you are in is everywhere you can go--god is not the sun or moon, but the water around you, holding you to himself, sure as gravity.

breathe

DAI:


i come uncollected, adrenaline hot in my veins and my pupils staring. i come hyperventilating, blind, dumb, panicked, wanting everything but you. my breaths are sobs of disappointment, cowardice, exhaustion, terror--there is a better way than this, and i was on it; why did i turn?

i cannot hold myself still. i cannot keep myself true. but lord, here i am. teach me to breathe.

weekly post

DAI:

this is such a lovely picture. i wish i could be doing this over sitting in front of my computer screen.

and that's for sure.

day 19

a talent of yours

um probably making faces. i'm really good at that.



day 20

a hobby of yours

generally, art stuff, adventures, and instigating shenanigans.





day 21

a recipe

um...coming soon.

day 22

a website

my brother just showed me this blog today. this makes me ubber happy. i love portland people:)
urban weeds: portland street style

ffffound
booooooom

ffffound is where i find most of the pictures for my DAI.
booooooom has awesome videos.

for my wedding i've consulted 2 lovely blogs for ideas:

once wed
100 layer cake

day 23

a youtube video

this is the most lovely thing i've seen in a long time.



hot chip-i feel better

super weird video poking fun at boy bands. i love it!