Thursday, November 13, 2008

this is our day today

today i left for work almost an hour early so i could have some time to drive and clear my head and listen to some music. as i shuffled through my ipod, i realized it was a matt costa day. i began with cold december which hit the spot immediately. halfway through the cd i came across a song called these arms...the first verse was fine, but then he sang the chorus which goes like this...

this is our day today
can you find the way back to these arms
this is our day today
won't you find the way back to these arms

and my heart sank.

there are a pair of physical arms that i want to find a way back to all the time...
and that's really hard to deal with...

but more importantly, there are spiritual arms that seemed to call this out to me...
"ellen, won't you find your way back to my arms?"
i felt like Jesus himself were sitting right there asking me this.
i felt like He was sad.
and i felt sad too.
cause it's been about time that i get real with Him again.

and reader, i'm going to be honest.
and this is hard cause so often i would rather just have people think i'm doing great.
why? that's an entirely other conversation...
but yes, here it is, it's out on the table for all to see:

school is not what i thought it would be.
i'm starting to check out.
i'm struggling with my devos.
i haven't been very social.
i haven't gotten involved.
and i'm homesick on top of it all.

everyday i honestly wish that the day would go by faster just so the next day will go by faster so i can get home sooner.

and i know this isn't what it's suppose to be like.
and i know that it's my own fault for not applying myself.

i just had to be straight with my abba today.
these next 3 years are probably gonna some of the most difficult years of my life.
here's why:
1. i have to get through school (and im not very fond of school)
2. i have to make a foreign place my home.
3. i have to wait to be with eric.

i told God i was sad. i told him i was not sure i could do this. i told him i didn't like this.

and then what popped into my head?

joy. joy? JOY?!?!?! in the midst of trails?
of course...gross.

i decided i need an attitude adjustment.

so this blog gets more personal. more honest.

this was my prayer:

dear Lord,
this is what i'm asking. you know me better than anyone ever. you know my weaknesses & strengths, so Lord, prune me. cut out my weaknesses. i know its not gonna be easy, but following you isn't always easy. refine me. whatever you want me to go through to get me more like you want me, please do it.
i surrender.
i want to find a way back to your arms.
and i'm sorry for holding out on you this last week or so...
love, ellen

so it seems like this note is pretty depressing.
but it's not suppose to be.
i feel like i triumphed today.
i got something right.
He spoke. i responded.
now i need to act.

this life doesn't get easier does it?... :)

and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. and hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
-Romans 5:2b-5

let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. and let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
-Hebrews 10:22-26

therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great could of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race that is set for us. let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for teh joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
-Hebrews 12:1-2

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