Friday, April 3, 2009

quicksand vs. greener grass

SOTD: sometimes i can't make it alone by mae
WIKI: green tea cupcakes

i've done this before. i thought i could deal with this loneliness. but i was wrong.

two years ago, i was alone. i was alone and i dealt with it. i was alone and it was hard. i was alone and i was ok with it. i was alone and i learned a lot about myself. i was alone and i ended up enjoying it.

this year, i've been alone. i've been alone in the midst of community. i've been alone with everyone around me having relationships. i've been alone being away from my community.

this year, i know that i'm not alone. i have a God who loves me, a family who cares deeply and supports me, a boyfriend who is constantly loving and encouraging me, and friends, who, even though i've been away, still jump back to right where we left off.

but it's still hard.

during the week, i feel stagnate. i am bored. everyday im here i feel like a little more of me is dying. im scared i'll come back home and not be me anymore. i live for the weekends where i feel alive again. and then when i leave to come back to school, i hope the life i felt over the weekend will get me by till the next weekend.

sometimes i hope i haven't ruined everything by being away. i haven't kept up some relationships i know i should have. i hope those people don't think that means i love them any less. i hope they know that i've been waiting and anticipating the day i come back and am able to be a part of their lives again. i hope they know it's killed me knowing that i haven't been there this year. i've missed out on so much that i wish i hadn't had to miss. i hope they know i'm sorry. i hope they accept me back.

goodness, i cannot tell anyone how excited i am to come back home. i will finally be back in my element. i'll be able to live and not feel dead. i'll be able to get involved in church again. i just want to be part of a community. i want to be part of something bigger than myself.

and just so you know, the grass is greener on the other side. the grass was greener where i came from and im excited to go back and not die in this quicksand.

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